If someone has a lot and they give you some, that is charity.
If someone has a little and they give you all, that is a sacrifice.
If someone has enough and they give you some, that is a help.
If you get something from someone, ideally you owe them something. Not in kind or equivalently. But maybe gratitude or respect.
Unless – of course – you feel that you deserve it.
So be careful in what you qualify as help (or not). Maybe you are not looking at the giver’s intent or capacity.
I have lost too much that I don’t have the energy to rebuild again. If I don’t rebuild, I don’t know what I will do because without the phoenix rising, there is no sustenance anyway. But to sustain and rise, I need energy. I do not have energy. Whatever little is there is sucked by others. I don’t have any left for myself. Its draining.
I might have time for myself. But no energy to utilise the time for my benefit. The cost is using up all my energy for others is such.
The sources for energy are limited. The sinks are numerous. There is no storage. The battery doesn’t get charged. I over-extend. I burn out. They are thankless blood suckers. I have no more blood to give. If I give more, they will want more. And then I won’t have much left my own life. I don’t know how to help them and myself at the same time.
If I could have 20% of your blessings, 20% of your audacity and arrogance and 12% of your selfishness, I could do so much more for myself. All that I have done for you is in the past. Its eaten up. You get a benefit, I get a loss. There is no RoI, since there was never an ‘R’.
I am fed up of living in this shit world. The mark is on your. I forsake my responsibility for my own well-being. I will make it my mission to be irresponsible towards myself henceforth. So my well-being is your credit; my loss and ill-health and then, death – is mine alone.
You want to put across the best possible impression to your customers? So do I. You want to do a good job with every customer – no matter how much they’ve paid? So do I. You want people to respect you? So do I. Respect – even for what you’re not? No, not I.
Yet – somehow I need to be a martyr in this process. Yet – I need to be the person who makes the sour trade, who has no human rights or who deserves no respect or acknowledgement. Or anything at all.
I get it.
I need to temper down this rage inside me… the rage at the sheer injustice. I just don’t know how.
the means to another’s ends
the wind in others’ sails
the road to the other’s house
and the shoes that they walk in.
how would you know what it feels like
to be the one who got used?
you’ve heard the string’s music
can you bear to know of its pain?
Hanging on in quiet desperation
Is the English way,
The time has gone,
The song is over,
Thought I’d something more to say.
The headache comes and goes. It becomes unbearable to the point of tears at times. I just want to bang my head into a wall but, of course, I let better sense prevail. Its tempting to shout out loud or cry or break down – but again – I let the moment go by and let “better sense prevail”. I loose patience at times and I am sorry for that. I need to get better at not acting out just because my head is aching so much. The pain is intense and the head is heavy.
Does it mean that a natural end might be near? Lets see…
… just 15% like you and 15% like him, I would have at least 50% better mental health and would be at least 100% more productive and my life would have 200% more meaning. But I’m not capable of being even 1% like you or 1% like him. So I will suffer till I don’t exist anymore and this suffering, headache and pain just goes away.
To the loneliest one…
There is in certain living souls
A quality of loneliness unspeakable
So great it must be shared
As company is shared by lesser beings
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
That in immensity
There is one lonelier than you.
— Theodore Sturgeon, “A Saucer of Loneliness”, 1953