I have lost too much that I don’t have the energy to rebuild again. If I don’t rebuild, I don’t know what I will do because without the phoenix rising, there is no sustenance anyway. But to sustain and rise, I need energy. I do not have energy. Whatever little is there is sucked by others. I don’t have any left for myself. Its draining.
I might have time for myself. But no energy to utilise the time for my benefit. The cost is using up all my energy for others is such.
The sources for energy are limited. The sinks are numerous. There is no storage. The battery doesn’t get charged. I over-extend. I burn out. They are thankless blood suckers. I have no more blood to give. If I give more, they will want more. And then I won’t have much left my own life. I don’t know how to help them and myself at the same time.
… just 15% like you and 15% like him, I would have at least 50% better mental health and would be at least 100% more productive and my life would have 200% more meaning. But I’m not capable of being even 1% like you or 1% like him. So I will suffer till I don’t exist anymore and this suffering, headache and pain just goes away.
I realised that Victor Frankl was very much alive till the 90s and maybe there are some videos available of him talking about the crux of his message. And I heard him talking about “meaning” on an interview.
Finding meaning in difficult times (Interview with Dr. Viktor Frankl)
He says – no matter what the situation – it is always possible for us to find meaning. It gave me a small lease of hope. But no clarity.
I need to find meaning by reminding myself of “small” things every day. Its easy to forget that life has meaning – more so in difficult times. Dr Frankl is very persuasive in his arguments and hopefulness. But maybe my boat has drifted too far away.
So you find yourself at the subway
With your world in a bag by your side
And all at once it seemed like a good way
You realize it’s the end of the line
For what it’s worth
Here comes the train upon the track
And there goes the pain it cuts to black
Are you ready for the last act?
To take a step you can’t take back
Taken all the punches you could take
Took ’em all right on the chin
Now the camel’s back is breaking again, again
For what it’s worth
— Keira Knightley, “Begin Again”