The difference between Despair
And Fear — is like the One
Between the instant of a Wreck
And when the Wreck has been —
— Emily Dickenson
If someone has a lot and they give you some, that is charity.
If someone has a little and they give you all, that is a sacrifice.
If someone has enough and they give you some, that is a help.
If you get something from someone, ideally you owe them something. Not in kind or equivalently. But maybe gratitude or respect.
Unless – of course – you feel that you deserve it.
So be careful in what you quality as help (or not). Maybe you are not looking at the giver’s intent or capacity.
I have lost too much that I don’t have the energy to rebuild again. If I don’t rebuild, I don’t know what I will do because without the phoenix rising, there is no sustenance anyway. But to sustain and rise, I need energy. I do not have energy. Whatever little is there is sucked by others. I don’t have any left for myself. Its draining.
I might have time for myself. But no energy to utilise the time for my benefit. The cost is using up all my energy for others is such.
The sources for energy are limited. The sinks are numerous. There is no storage. The battery doesn’t get charged. I over-extend. I burn out. They are thankless blood suckers. I have no more blood to give. If I give more, they will want more. And then I won’t have much left my own life. I don’t know how to help them and myself at the same time.
If I could have 20% of your blessings, 20% of your audacity and arrogance and 12% of your selfishness, I could do so much more for myself. All that I have done for you is in the past. Its eaten up. You get a benefit, I get a loss. There is no RoI, since there was never an ‘R’.
I am fed up of living in this shit world. The mark is on your. I forsake my responsibility for my own well-being. I will make it my mission to be irresponsible towards myself henceforth. So my well-being is your credit; my loss and ill-health and then, death – is mine alone.
You want to put across the best possible impression to your customers? So do I. You want to do a good job with every customer – no matter how much they’ve paid? So do I. You want people to respect you? So do I. Respect – even for what you’re not? No, not I.
Yet – somehow I need to be a martyr in this process. Yet – I need to be the person who makes the sour trade, who has no human rights or who deserves no respect or acknowledgement. Or anything at all.
I get it.
I need to temper down this rage inside me… the rage at the sheer injustice. I just don’t know how.
the means to another’s ends
the wind in others’ sails
the road to the other’s house
and the shoes that they walk in.
how would you know what it feels like
to be the one who got used?
you’ve heard the string’s music
can you bear to know of its pain?