The headache comes and goes. It becomes unbearable to the point of tears at times. I just want to bang my head into a wall but, of course, I let better sense prevail. Its tempting to shout out loud or cry or break down – but again – I let the moment go by and let “better sense prevail”. I loose patience at times and I am sorry for that. I need to get better at not acting out just because my head is aching so much. The pain is intense and the head is heavy.

Does it mean that a natural end might be near? Lets see…

… just 15% like you and 15% like him, I would have at least 50% better mental health and would be at least 100% more productive and my life would have 200% more meaning. But I’m not capable of being even 1% like you or 1% like him. So I will suffer till I don’t exist anymore and this suffering, headache and pain just goes away.

To the loneliest one…

There is in certain living souls
A quality of loneliness unspeakable
So great it must be shared
As company is shared by lesser beings
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
That in immensity
There is one lonelier than you.

— Theodore Sturgeon, “A Saucer of Loneliness”, 1953

It’s not certain that you will succeed
Or maybe you will – more or less
Just remember when you do (or don’t)
That where you’ve reached is
Founded upon the corpses of others.

Especially me.

No – your success (or the lack of it)
Is not certain.
But my martyrdom
Is certain for sure.

Maybe you will remember the corpses
That piled up along the way. Or not.
Its not for you to have guilt
You focus on doing well.

It still doesn’t lessen my pain
To write about the indignity of
Always having to serve you

Such is my misfortune.
I’m dying and sinking most moments
And i have no strength or ability
To save myself.

What a waste my life has been.
I’m sorry to those who love me
That I could never amount to anything.
At all.

I realised that Victor Frankl was very much alive till the 90s and maybe there are some videos available of him talking about the crux of his message. And I heard him talking about “meaning” on an interview.

Finding meaning in difficult times (Interview with Dr. Viktor Frankl)

He says – no matter what the situation – it is always possible for us to find meaning. It gave me a small lease of hope. But no clarity.

I need to find meaning by reminding myself of “small” things every day. Its easy to forget that life has meaning – more so in difficult times. Dr Frankl is very persuasive in his arguments and hopefulness. But maybe my boat has drifted too far away.

Dear -,

What is about you that invites the respect, indulgence and patronage of others? You use curse words with everyone – especially your mother and sisters. You are arrogant, too-full-of-yourself, over-confident, careless, untidy, uncaring and irresponsible. You are everything that I am not or will ever want to me.

Yet you get respect from the same people who blatantly abuse and disrespect me. I’m good to these people, I take care of them, I wait for them, I’m polite and caring and respectful. I do things that they feel will add value to their lives.

Yet they get away with disrespecting me. And abusing me.

How? Why? What makes you more respectable than me? What makes your dreams and goals more important and valuable than mine? Because you shout too loud and are ready aggressive and violent in your language and stature? Is that what it takes to be “respected” now?

I know it doesn’t. I know I am expecting something from those I can’t receive. The problem is expectations.

How does it feel to use me – you know – just use me? Like you would use water to wash hands. Or use the road to get from point A to point B? Just how does it feel to use someone? Powerful? Superior? Smart?

I don’t know. I want to know. Please tell me.

So you find yourself at the subway
With your world in a bag by your side
And all at once it seemed like a good way
You realize it’s the end of the line
For what it’s worth

Here comes the train upon the track
And there goes the pain it cuts to black
Are you ready for the last act?
To take a step you can’t take back

Taken all the punches you could take
Took ’em all right on the chin
Now the camel’s back is breaking again, again
For what it’s worth

— Keira Knightley, “Begin Again”