I am guilty of a terrible crime of passion. Or a crime of terrible passion. I must confess to it and raise my voice against my confirmed persecution. And decide to die a complete martyr to it.


A crime of passion? — you ask. Well — that’s a hyperbole. I’m not really committing a crime. Neither is it impulsive. However, the the mortification that I have to suffer through is worse than that of a crime of passion.

Let me explain.

I have come to unfortunate conclusion that, in this country (at least), its a crime to be passionate — about your life, your work, your loves — passionate about everything. More so if you have made a conscious choice about what you are passionate about.

And there is also an irony that lies here… while the passion and achievements of others are often lauded and used as examples of how one must live one’s life, its always someone else who must do that. Not you. Living passionately, lovingly, with a sense of adventure, with deep conversations, with truth — are always things that mere mortals don’t do — only great people do that. And you are not great. You are just another normal person. Great people are born with horns on their heads. So not you.

Why inspire then?

And hence I come to the most basic question: why inspire us in our childhood? Why tell inspiring and motivational stories of scientists and adventurers and mathematicians and engineers and people who fought for civil rights and freedom and so much more. Each and every thing they teach you in school is about someone who did something remarkable. Whether is history or physics or maths or english. You are always using someone’s equation / algorithm / apparatus or reading someone’s poetry or prose or speech or singing somebody’s songs. And the reason we are doing that is because they did something remarkable with their lives… remarkable enough to be remembered and read about.

We are taught to be “great” like them all when we grow up: to follow our hearts, to do well, to live morally, to excel, to be honest and sensitive and compassionate, to work hard, to do good, to deliver, to create. We are taught to be versatile and to specialise in multiple disciplines. I have a feeling that we are not supposed to have taken all this seriously. It was probably meant to be a propaganda of some sort — it should look like we’re teaching kids all the right things… but we don’t really expect them to grow up and live their lives by such beliefs and value systems.

But I did. And some others did too, I guess only to find that these are things that people laugh at. You are neither supposed to live like that; nor are you supposed to keep such things in your heart.

So what?

That’s exactly the point. There is none. This is just a stupid rant. Its unfortunate that when you realise what you are about and find your feet and realise what you are passionate about and want to dedicate your life to it, you told — no. The rules have changed. You can’t do what you want.

Maybe the way around this is to just stop working like John Galt. Strike work. But that won’t change much either. You will hardly be missed. The world be any better or worse because of you or your absence. Things will carry on in spite of you. And that is just another indicator of the fact that you must do what you care about because it matters to you. And you alone. No one else.

Being known or making a place in history is secondary. That might or might not happen. However, when you look at your face in the mirror each day, are you going to face yourself and say that you live passionately and with love and peace and that your life’s activity is a result of some positive endeavour.

I’ve come to the conclusion that, unfortunately, by virtue to circumstances or choices its going to be very difficult to live passionately. I don’t have the strength to stand up and argue or defend. Its not worth defending yourself for what you feel is important. Its a terrible waste of creative energy. After you’ve defended yourself and presented your arguments and fought negative energy, do you think you’d have the energy to actually do something with whatever solace you’ve achieved? I doubt it.

Its sad that after you were told what to aim for in life, you were not also given a thicker skin, an armour, a calm demeanour and all the love that you would need to energise you. You never figured that it would take so much trouble. No one told us that doing your thing is never enough… you also have to continuously defend yourself and prove your worth and fight for your “peace of mind”.

And so maybe John Galt did right. Or maybe he didn’t do enough.

Now where are “…those little anodynes / that deaden suffering,…”? Where is that “…liberty to die…”? Where?

(Written sometime in 2016)