Kind: Notes

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I don’t believe in magic but I do believe in you

And when you say you believe in me
There’s so much magic I can do

– Don McLean, “Birthday Song”

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gham is kadar badhe ke main ghabraa ke pee gaya,
is dil ki bebasi pe, taras khaa ke pee gaya.
thukraa raha tha mujhko badi der se jahan,
main aaj sab jahan ko thukraa ke pee gaya.

ग़म इस क़दर बढ़े, के मैं घबरा के पी गया
इस दिल की बेबसी पे, तरस खा के पी गया |

ठुकरा रहा था मुझको, बड़ी देर से जहां
मैं आज सब जहां को, ठुकरा के पी गया |

when things are “good”, they are still bad.
when they go bad, they are just worse.

the conflict is, hence, between
how bad the good can be and
how good the worst can become.

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तेरी दुनिया में जीने से
तो बेहतर है के मर जाएँ
वही आँसू, वही आहें
वही ग़म है जिधर जाएँ

Death is better than
living in this world of yours’
The same tears and sighs,
The same pain, everywhere I go.

कोई तो ऐसा घर होता
जहाँ से प्यार मिल जाता
वही बेगाने चेहरे हैं
जहाँ पहुँचे, जिधर जाएँ

I wish there were a home
that had love to offer me
But its the same strange faces
no matter where I’ve reached.

अरे ओ आसमां वाले
बता इस में बुरा क्या है
खुशी के चार झोंके गर
इधर से भी गुज़र जाएँ

Please tell me, oh powerful one,
what is wrong with my desire?
I just want a few moments of happiness
before I depart from this world as well.

Very eloquently sung by Hemant Kumar the words written by Sahir Ludhianvi using music composed by S D Burman.

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When you find me in the morning
Hanging on a warning
Oh… the joke is on you
You said you were pretending
Here’s to unhappy endings
Oh… the joke is on you

To make sure yesterday doesn’t repeat
I took a shortcut home, a left on the street
I know they won’t find me here
I found out how to make mama proud
Be real quiet don’t talk too loud
I try, try to disappear

My life is for the taking
Breakdown is awaking me
I’m ending all this pain

When you find me in the morning
Hanging on a warning, oh…
The joke is on you

By “The Lifehouse – The Joke”

The difference between Despair
And Fear — is like the One
Between the instant of a Wreck
And when the Wreck has been —

— Emily Dickenson

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If someone has a lot and they give you some, that is charity.
If someone has a little and they give you all, that is a sacrifice.
If someone has enough and they give you some, that is a help.

If you get something from someone, ideally you owe them something. Not in kind or equivalently. But maybe gratitude or respect.

Unless – of course – you feel that you deserve it.

So be careful in what you qualify as help (or not). Maybe you are not looking at the giver’s intent or capacity.

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I have lost too much that I don’t have the energy to rebuild again. If I don’t rebuild, I don’t know what I will do because without the phoenix rising, there is no sustenance anyway. But to sustain and rise, I need energy. I do not have energy. Whatever little is there is sucked by others. I don’t have any left for myself. Its draining.

I might have time for myself. But no energy to utilise the time for my benefit. The cost is using up all my energy for others is such.

The sources for energy are limited. The sinks are numerous. There is no storage. The battery doesn’t get charged. I over-extend. I burn out. They are thankless blood suckers. I have no more blood to give. If I give more, they will want more. And then I won’t have much left my own life. I don’t know how to help them and myself at the same time.

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If I could have 20% of your blessings, 20% of your audacity and arrogance and 12% of your selfishness, I could do so much more for myself. All that I have done for you is in the past. Its eaten up. You get a benefit, I get a loss. There is no RoI, since there was never an ‘R’.

I am fed up of living in this shit world. The mark is on your. I forsake my responsibility for my own well-being. I will make it my mission to be irresponsible towards myself henceforth. So my well-being is your credit; my loss and ill-health and then, death – is mine alone.

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You want to put across the best possible impression to your customers? So do I. You want to do a good job with every customer – no matter how much they’ve paid? So do I. You want people to respect you? So do I. Respect – even for what you’re not? No, not I.

Yet – somehow I need to be a martyr in this process. Yet – I need to be the person who makes the sour trade, who has no human rights or who deserves no respect or acknowledgement. Or anything at all.

I get it.

I need to temper down this rage inside me… the rage at the sheer injustice. I just don’t know how.